It's Happening...

All the hard work.. all the sacrifice.. all the everything... I got the job.

I'm in disbelief. I'm not throwing away my.. shot... (Reference to a Broadway show I've never seen)

Although I am good at keeping my excitement level low.. I'm jumping out of my skin. I'll let myself celebrate this week, but next week is time to take it to the next level.

The Weight

Going down to Nazareth.. was feeling about half past dead...

This blog has turned into my inner dialogs as I navigate whatever it is I'm doing. I realize it's publicly posted, but that's okay. I use this blog to help me sort out the chaos in my brain, help me realize things I already know, and fight off anxiety.

That's why I'm telling myself right here that it's time to get healthy. There is opportunity around the corner that can potentially increase my exposure and I want to feel confident about myself. Tomorrow I have to start running again. One mile a day.. I have to do this.. I have to start somewhere. I need to count the calories again.. This is important. This is very important.

Who is with me?

Tonight's topic of late night musings deals with 'squad'. Who are your real partners? Who is really looking out for you? Who is just looking for handouts, or to hitch a ride to success. Who loves you? Who thinks they can do it better? Who is jealous? Who is waiting for you to fail? Who makes you feel irrelevant? Who isn't giving you the respect you deserve? Whose life have you changed? Who have you hurt? Who asks for things all the time? Who do you look up to? Who is inspiring you to work hard? Who is falling behind the curve? 

Are you here to take part? Are you here to take over? Are you thinking 5 steps ahead? Are you listening to people around you? Are they listening to you? 

As much as I love the idea of 'Squad' ultimately it's the individual that is responsible for their independent success. Of course I'm going to do everything in my power to provide for the team, but sometimes you have to think about what's best for yourself so that you can succeed and pay it forward to this that you came up with. It's going to take trust, people might get upset and try to hold you back, but you owe it to yourself to chase your dreams and ambitions. 

Keep underestimating me. Keep thinking I don't know what I'm doing. Now is the time to legitimately ask: Who is with me? If you are let me know, if you aren't you will wish you were.

Another late night

Read this on Facebook:

“Every great work, every big accomplishment, has been brought into manifestation through holding to the vision, and often just before the big achievement, comes apparent failure and discouragement.”

― Florence Scovel Shinn

I am very much in the apparent failure and discouragement place. I'm hoping this is the dark before something really big. I'm applying for a job I want so bad... At first I was very optimistic, but as time goes on I'm finding it hard to stay positive. This opportunity is life altering and the type of career I've worked more than 3 years nonstop to obtain. I'm throwing myself a pity party tonight. I've put heart and soul into VGB and VGB Studios but sometimes I don't feel like I get the recognition. I think the listeners and viewers who mess with me the most don't realize how hard I work for the podcast and the sacrifices I've made. All I can do at this point to is succeed. Whether it's through VGB, the potential new job, or something I have not even thought of yet.. I gotta make it. Failure isn't on the table... Do I want to be well liked? Do I want to be successful in my current endeavor? Can I have both? Am I hated? Am I respected? Am I overrated? Am I a bad guy? Am I unlikeable? Are people just jealous? I think I'm just tired... I love my public/not public little diary here.. I hope it can help other people struggling with similar issues. I'm a kid who was forced to grow up way sooner than he should have. Dealt with a psychologically abusive/ drug addict parent. Overcame the odds and lived the American dream. That's what I want my story to be. I'm rambling..

Goodnight

Update

Can't sleep. It's 2am and I am wide awake in ridiculously different circumstances than the last time I updated this blog.

I am a completely different man. What was just curiosity with podcasting and geek culture media has become more of an obsession. I don't even know where to begin, when trying to describe everything that has taken place between then and now.

I guess I'm in that strange place where I am so far past where I was, but I'm light-years from where I want to be. I find that I do not fear death as much as I fear that in the end I will fall short of my dreams. In fact the only reason I fear death at all anymore is because it would get in the way of me reaching my goals.

I have to hustle, I have to be patient, I have to be honest, I have to be careful, I have to be strict, I have to be smart, I have to have fun, I have to network, I need to be trustworthy, I need to earn respect, I have to stay grounded, I have to keep promises, I have to trust others, I have to be a good husband, I have to motivate others, I can't take a break, I can't get taken advantage of, I have to take criticism, I can't listen to trolls, I can't be entitled, I can't get an ego, I can't do it all, I can't procrastinate, I can't lose control, I must be myself.

That's all I have to say for now. Hopefully next time I update this blog will be for something spectacular. Maybe not. Thanks for reading.

My First Steps...

Well after years of just thinking about it I finally did it. We recorded and posted our first episode of the Videogame Bang! podcast. It ended up a whooping hour and a half but it felt great to actually accomplish. Hoping that these are my baby steps towards being able to do something similar to this for a living. We will see...

So much Going on...

Wow, intense day today. Started off pretty tired, had our Engineering Christmas Party last night, and an EMF Fun and Food day. With all the excitment It tricked me into thinking it was a Friday so going to work today was very very hard.

Today is a huge day for my mom and all I am doing is thinking about her negotiations and praying that they go the right way. So I know she is stressed out and I just really want to be there for her.

Had a crazy work week this week and last week. Learned a lot, built two radio stations... I am only a few days away from picking up a huge new responsibility. I feel pretty prepared but I am just nervous and want things to transition smoothley.

Had a Dr. Apt today. The last week I havent told anyone but I felt like I had a very slight hearing loss on my left ear, and given an issue my uncle went through recently I was stressing a little bit. Turns out it is a bilateral ear infection. Just a minor ear infection that normally clears itself up. But I am now on antibiotics for 5 days.

I really have to start editing a wedding video I shot a few weeks back.

Just the thought of my dad fills me with such a blind rage, I really feel hatred for him in my heart.

I am praying for my Uncle Jake that his Bells Palsy heals right, and that he will not be burdened too much financially by going to the Dr.

And with all of that stuff circiling around in my head I am so saddened by the school massacre in Connecticut. Any human being that could murder a child truly deserves an eternity of pain and suffering. My most sincere apologies and condolences go out to the family members of those affected.